At Least the Second Time I Had My Pants On

Bump checkups always include excitement. I never tire of listening to the heartbeat, looking at the surreal images of Bump during the ultrasound, watching my belly ripple as I count movements for the NST. When the doctor tells me all is going well, that makes my lengthy visits even better.

Today, at my appointment for week 38, I got to experience all the usual thrills with an unexpected surge of adrenaline.

Head down, "camera" shy, Bump was in great position for the ultrasound. "This baby has a lot of hair," the tech told me. She also said that Bump is in the 90th percentile for almost all measurements. I hope that the weight estimate of a little over 8 lbs. is either on the heavy side of guessing or that Bump doesn't put on too much more weight before birth!

My next stop was for the non-stress test, or NST. Not only did I get gel smeared on my belly and two straps belted firmly around me- one attached to the fetal heart rate monitor and one to check my contractions- but I also got to strip from the waist down and wrap in a very small sheet. The reason for the disrobing was not for the NST but so I'd be ready when the doctor came in to "check my progress." So, lying down in a room with hot fluorescent lights glaring on me, I waited all alone and hoped the doctor would arrive soon. Still, clicking the button every time Bump moved and feeling the tickles inside me, I couldn't really complain.

Suddenly, the sound of Bump's heartbeat was drowned out by a piercing wail. Seriously? The fire alarm? I waited for a nurse to rush in and unstrap me. No one came. I realized I had to get out of there. Struggling, I sat up a bit and undid one belt. Goo was all over me, my pants were far away on a chair, and I had no idea if fire blocked my exit. Thankfully, a nurse came to my rescue and helped me with the other belt and wiped my belly clean. She told me she would wait for me on the other side of the door while I got dressed. Unfortunately, she didn't close the door. Do you know how hard it is to put on underwear and pants while pregnant with a beach ball? And to do it quickly is nearly impossible. Somehow I managed before any firemen came down the hall!

I followed the crowd of women out of the building and across the street. My appointment wasn't over, but that wasn't the only reason I couldn't actually leave: my car was in the parking garage. We didn't see smoke or flames, and the firetruck didn't arrive very promptly. I realized it could be my longest doctor's visit ever. And, naturally, I had to use the restroom.

Happily, it wasn't long before I was half naked on a table again. The doctor finally came and gave me a good report, told me I was making progress, and zipped away to catch up with other patients. I drove to work to finish the day, excitement over.

At school I told my coworkers my humorous story along with all the Bump updates. Then I went to make photocopies. There was an odd beeping noise in the office and I wondered about it a little, but people were in the building working on wiring or something so I decided to ignore it. Suddenly, what do you know, a familiar wailing sound greeted my ears. I looked at the secretary. I looked at another coworker. Planned drill? Nobody seemed to know. Well, better evacuate. As we walked out into the field we learned that it was not a drill, but it wasn't a fire either. I shook my head and laughed. At least this time I was already dressed!