Mothers-to-be, take notes :)
1. You will sleep through thunderstorms that shake the house, light up the bedroom, and even disturb the slumbers of your hibernating husband; but if the baby hiccoughs you will jerk awake, leap from your bed, and rush to his side to make sure he is OK. (True story. Monday night).
2. If you change a poopy diaper and discover that the baby has not wet it, you will learn to duck and cover. It only takes a couple of "warm showers" while wearing your clothes that you will see the importance of this lesson. (Of course this is more difficult at night unless you want to put your hand in the diaper to feel for wetness. Last night, well, at least I wasn't wearing much clothing.)
3. You will think you have learned the difference between the sounds of passing gas and the sounds of gushy depositing. Then you will find out that, nope, you were wrong. So if the diaper is empty, don't change it quite yet even if it is wet. Somethin's a comin'.
4. You will take the baby's temperature multiple times because you thought the thermometer would light up in the dark and show you the reading but no it doesn't so you will turn the overhead light on and then take the temperature again and yes you had a clean diaper laid out but somehow you won't get it all the way under the bum and the changing pad you usually have on the floor will be in the wash and finally you will affirm that the baby doesn't have a temperature but the baby will have no trouble releasing the poo because you stuck him so many times and then it will be all over the carpet, his clothes, and, well, SOME will make it on the diaper and you will have to grab multiple cloth diapers to wipe everything up and the baby will be laughing and laughing because what better revenge is there for having a stick poked up your bum?
5. If you venture into the territory of issue number 4, no matter how loudly you call for your husband to come help, he will not hear you and he will not wake up. You need to be loud like thunder. (hmm, could he be faking?)
6. You will put the baby to bed in his onesie because he was already falling asleep and you didn't want to wake him up to change his clothes and you will wrap him up well and believe that he will be warm enough. Then he will wake up only an hour later with both arms sticking up over his head and they will be like ice cubes and then you will go and put on his long-sleeved jammies (yes, Daddy might help with this if he isn't snoring already) so he can have his arms above his head and maybe they will then just feel like melted ice cubes and you will get him all tucked back in and then you will hear rumblings in his diaper and you will think of number 3 on this list. Then you will have to ask yourself, poop or noise? If you go with noise and go back to bed and it was really poop, he will probably wake up in another hour because he really doesn't like the feeling of yuck up his back. If you go with poop, then you have to unwrap him, undo his jammies, and check the diaper. This will cause him to believe that he is hungry even though he ate not long before. Then you will sigh, pick him up, and feed him.
7. For some reason, no matter how many times you have started nursing the baby and then realized that you didn't have a burp cloth handy and then, naturally, the baby spit everything down your shirt you will do this again and again. Then, at night, you will change the baby across the hall from your bedroom so you can keep it quiet for your husband to sleep–this is why you change the baby on the carpet sometimes– (and why you think you need to be quiet is impossible to figure out) and then, while carrying the baby back to your room he will spit up all over and a glob of it will land on the tile floor. Then you will go put him down, clean him off, and wipe the floor, but when you walk back across the floor with the baby you will slip and almost fall because apparently breast milk wiped off of tile makes for a very slick surface. You will put baby to bed and go back with a wet rag this time and scrub and scrub, but you will only make it worse. You will go to bed. Then you will stay awake for a while reminding yourself to tell your husband about the slick spot before he walks on it. You will forget. Morning will come. Thankfully, he won't fall down the stairs.
8. You will think that after a long night where the baby is awake a lot and crying that he will sleep really well and long during his morning nap. Nope.
9. Sometimes, one of the baby's prolonged cries will wake your husband and he will offer to take the baby downstairs and stay with him so you can sleep. This is all very sweet and helpful and a great idea, but you will stay awake convinced that the baby needs his mommy even though he isn't hungry and you trust your husband completely and he is very good at soothing and quieting the baby. You will worry if you hear the baby keep crying AND if the baby is suddenly quiet because of course you will think your husband has fallen asleep and the baby has stopped breathing.
10. In the morning you will be bleary-eyed, stink of milk and spit and pee and poop, seriously contemplate becoming a coffee drinker even though you can't stand the flavor, and want to cry because you didn't do the dishes the night before and the kitchen is a mess and also it smells like potato peelings. Then you will look into your baby's eyes and he will laugh and laugh and smile and the rough night will be forgotten. (Unless of course you document it all in a blog post.)
Moms, what's your best baby night story?