One could go on and on forever talking about anything, but I'll just touch on it here.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Number one, say nothing the first day, the second, the third. For like a week you need to keep your mouth shut. She'll stand up front talking, talking, speaking to you, at you, over you. Maybe have a pencil, some paper; draw on the desk but not too much until the second week. Wad some paper. Make some eye contact—she sees you when you don't. Eye contact makes you invisible.

Oh, be sure to be you. Keep your hair in your face, your pants baggy, but do some work.

Call her Miss. She'll remind you of her name. Say Sorry, Miss; I'll remember, Miss.

When the rules and stuff aren't talked about so much anymore, start being tardy. Ah, like, come just as the bell rings or something so you can have your feet in the room. If there's a be-in-your-seat rule then run to your seat just when the bell rings. Save the really tardy days for a few months later. But when you come in, not every time, but come in several times a week really loud. Come in like, Yo!, Dude!, or I'm SO angry! Grin. Sorry Miss.

Sit down but don't stay there. She might stalk you around the room. This is good. If she doesn't follow and tries the ignore-kid trick, see how many times you can wander around the whole room. And don't keep this to yourself. When the time is right, you know when she decides to deal with you, announce how many times you made it around the room: that was like, ten times I went around the room!

Uh, maybe you get tired sometimes. Put your forehead on your desk, maybe drool. Gotta lay low, you know, so she isn't on your case all the time 'cause you won't escape being sent to the office if you push her too much. And hey, let me tell you, the principal won't actually kill you but those secretary ladies might. They're worse than your mother. They stare at you like pit bulls. Your behind gets sore just one look from them.

So a good day comes up. You get to write a story or something and you have your pencil with you that day. You get to choose what you write. She likes it when kids share, so volunteer to read something up front, then tell that story about the llama and his sexual encounter. Yeah, you'll be sent to your seat, but all the kids will be laughing. See if her face turns red. If you're really quick say Miss, your face is red! Yeah, you might get sent out, but you'll be back.

Next time bring a plastic spoon and chew on it. Day after, bring five. Get them really nasty with spit. Leave one gnawed-on spoon on the floor. You'll probably be safe on this one. I know, you're like, really? But she takes spoons better than sunflower seeds all over the floor. See THAT one gets the janitor mad. She's in good with the janitor. If they gang up on you, you'll be scrubbing scuff marks off the hall floors, or worse.

When she has her back to the room—and no there ain't eyes in the back of her head but she will pick up on your tricks, especially if there are too many brown-nosers in there—throw a pencil at the ceiling and make it stick. She'll find it, but she can't prove you did it 'cause she didn't see you do it.

After a couple of months, bring a list of dirty jokes in Latin and share them with a guy in the back. Have the translation of course, but keep it separate—it's better to memorize what each one means—in case she takes the Latin pages away from you. Oh sure, she'll try to make you think she knows Latin, but nuh-uh. K this one might get you grounded at home. It's pretty funny, though.

It really won't take that much until she'll probably stop trying to get you to do your work; instead, she'll be trying to stop you from ruining hers. Ah, but don't leave her hanging like that. At the end of the year, write: You rock! on the whiteboard. Best teacher ever! Or, if you really can't bring yourself to go that far, just smile at the thought that you can do all this again next year 'cause you ain't going on to high school.


  1. Oh my gosh, this is just priceless...can't stop smiling! It takes me right back to being a kid again (and it's been a while for me) sitting in class with a teacher I really don't want to learn from. The visual I get from this piece is great...once again, you've done an awesome job!

  2. Thanks Wanda. I had fun with this one. See, kids give me lots to write about!